I feel like an alien walking among humans every single time I try to talk to someone. When I look at groups of people hanging out online or IRL, laughing and joking around, I seriously wonder how they pull it off. I tried to record a vlog recently about my socializing struggles and mental breakdown, but the software crashed and it all went to f*cking hell. So we are doing this here.
I totally withdrew from society. I never really had many friends, and my childhood was just being mocked and isolated. After coming out in middle school, things got worse, and in high school, my depression went completely off the charts. I cut everyone off, looking for the smallest excuses to burn bridges. For about five years I didn't leave the house, basically living the hikikomori lifestyle. My social life moved to a dreamworld, inside my D.I.D. system.
Inspired by some weird visions, I started the emo-changeling project to try and get back online. But it turns out my emotional system is completely broken. Instead of normal feelings, I either get a flood of neurotransmitters and feel stimmed up, or I just feel pain. Every interaction is a threat to me. Someone texts me, and I overthink and panic that it is a trap. I ghost people because the mess in my head is just way too big.
I am out of touch to the point that at a disability evaluation board, I had a panic attack just hearing the words group therapy. F*ck, my buddy had to speak for me. The only time I somehow managed was after a Mayday Parade show when a group of people approached me. I didn't have a panic attack only because we were talking in English, and my brain had to focus entirely on that. But I still overthought it later, wondering if my body language showed I was terrified of them. Everyone is a potential enemy to me, and I am just trying to somehow survive this.
