The first person I actually considered a genuine friend turned out to be a straight-up manipulator who just treated me like a toy on the side. It doesn't help when almost everyone who was ever nice to you ends up stabbing you in the back. There's this massive myth online that antisocial people just don't give a f*ck and don't want relationships. BS. We just build huge walls around ourselves because we literally can't handle rejection. Sure, we have our "exceptions" - a few people we drop the mask for. But they are exactly the ones who can hurt us the most. When my exception ghosted me recently, my rage levels went completely out of control.
You ask why I don't just go to therapy? Because the system is a total joke. Most public healthcare shrinks are clueless hacks who will just hand you three new diagnoses, and the waitlists take a decade. The good ones cost way too much. So my therapy literally happens in a world that doesn't exist - inside my inner world, consulting my own head. And honestly? It works. Recently, I finally realized my life will only actually start once I begin my medical transition. That shattered my mental blocks and released years of suppressed emotions.
I realized that for me, time literally stopped a decade ago. As a DID system, I experience life in a series of blinks. When I go on Facebook and see people my age getting married and working corporate jobs, I hit massive derealization. In my head, we're still 14. It's totally normal in systems for some alters to just not age linearly. Time flies, and I just feel exactly like that quote from The Last Unicorn: I can feel this body rotting all around me.
